Family Feud
For All Nails #323: Family Feud by Johnny Pez ---- :Chateau Fanchon :Paris, France, European Union :5 May 1980 :0847 hours Yvette Fanchon was not a happy woman. For perhaps the thousandth time in her life she found herself giving thanks that her parents had resisted the temptation to name her brother Henri. The boy was insufferable enough, even without The Name. And one of the more pleasant aspects of living in the Palace of the Republic was that she could avoid visiting the family’s chateau in Paris most of the time. Unfortunately, most of the time was not all of the time. Gaston had been particularly insufferable since the Ghana business. Now that the former French colony had joined the United Empire, all sorts of recriminations were being made about her handling of the matter. In public, Gaston had remained quiet, because there were some family customs that even he dared not flout. In private, however, he had been quite vocal on the subject, and was being so now. “Have you no sense, woman?” he sneered. “A blind man ought to have seen it coming.” “I seem to recall that your vision was no clearer than anyone else’s,” she retorted. “Or if it was, you were not inclined to share your wisdom with the rest of the family.” They were in the dining room, which was deserted now that breakfast had been served and cleared away. She had come here seeking solitude, and had found it for a time. But Gaston obviously wished to rail at her, as though he had not already done so sufficiently. She continued, “If you have nothing further to say than pointless insults, then I think this conversation is at an end.” She turned toward the exit, but he swiftly interposed himself. “It is not,” he insisted. “As bad as the Ghana business was, it would be tolerable were it an isolated mistake, but it is not. There was also the matter of the Ehrlich Proposal and King Frederick’s resignation. Whatever you may have accomplished in the past, you have become a liability now, to the Party and to France.” Sixteen years as head of the Fanchonist Party and ten years as premier had taught Yvette the truth of George Bolingbroke’s adage that the most important question any politician had to answer was “What have you done for me lately?” Never mind that she had freed France from German control. Never mind her role in creating the European Union. What had she done lately? Time to confront her brother. “Very well, Gaston. What is it you intend to do?” “It is already done,” Gaston answered with a particularly insufferable smirk. “Uncle Robert has agreed to back my bid for the leadership at next week’s party conference.” Yvette’s grandparents had also declined to grant The Name to her uncle Robert, and some time ago she had learned that their failure to do so was a continual affront to him. The family had been chary of granting The Name to its children after the unfortunate incident involving great-uncle Henri after the Marshal’s overthrow. Gaston’s unpleasant revelation brought to Yvette’s mind another adage, this one by the North American leader Ezra Gallivan: “No man is indispensable, but by the time he reaches the age of forty, every man thinks he is.” Yvette’s fortieth year had long since come and gone, and here she was, thinking herself indispensable. “Very well, Gaston,” Yvette found herself saying. “If you desire the leadership so greatly, I shall not oppose you. I shall stand at your side as you receive the Party’s acclimation.” Yvette had the satisfaction of seeing Gaston frown at her unexpected capitulation. “My thanks, sister,” he said warily. “It pleases me to see you respond so reasonably.” Did he suspect that there was more to her surrender than met the eye? If so, then he was not quite the dullard he seemed. ---- :Chateau Fanchon :1924 hours Evening at Chateau Fanchon found Gaston Fanchon in the upstairs sitting room, the one maman habitually used for watching vitavision. He found her taste in entertainment lacking, but maman was the reigning matriarch of the Fanchon clan, so Gaston, along with several other family members, would grit his teeth and bear the insipid variety programmes that she favored. Currently the vitavision displayed the aging comedienne Caroline Burnette as she and the members of her troupe portrayed a foul-mouthed Vendean family sniping at one another in their rude home. Burnette’s character, Eurydice, was preparing to return a sally by her husband when the screen abruptly displayed the emblem of the Vitavision Français news department. A voiceover announcer spoke: “We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an unscheduled national address by Premier Fanchon. We now take you to the Palace of the Republic in Paris.” Gaston felt his heart sinking as the vitavision switched to a view of his sister sitting behind her desk, the familiar portrait of the Marshal visible over her right shoulder. What is that stupid woman up to now? he wondered. “Citizens of France, your attention please!” his sister began, as she always did. “Citizens of France, your attention please! “I come to you tonight to inform you of a decision that will affect you all. As you are aware, I first entered this office at the height of a crisis that threatened the very existence of the republic. Rioting against our German occupiers was spreading across the nation, and it seemed that the War of the Globe might once again engulf Europe, as it did in our fathers’ time, and that France might once again become a battlefield of that war as German and British forces, now armed with atomic weapons, prepared to fight for control. “By the grace of God, that war did not come to pass. Calmer heads prevailed, and the crisis of the moment passed, and the long work of putting the affairs of Europe on a more reasonable footing was able to commence. “I am proud of the personal role that I as Premier of the Republic was able to play in bringing that work to its successful conclusion. However, the world does not cease turning, and it is not enough to bask in the shadow of yesterday’s triumph. A new world now faces the people of France, a world of new possibilities, of new opportunities. It must be the task of a new leadership to navigate through the seas of this new world. “It is for this reason that I have chosen to resign the office of Premier of the French Republic. I will formally step down next week at the Fanchonist Party Conference, and advise the President of the Republic to dissolve the current National Assembly. It will then be up to you, the people of France, to choose the next generation of leaders at the polls. “Choose well, my people! For you choose not only the future of France, but of Europe, and the whole world! God be with you! Long live the Republic!” The vitavision returned to the Vitavision Français emblem, and the announcer babbled his account of Yvette’s announcement. A snap election! And his stupid sister hadn’t even called upon her viewers to vote for the Party! Gaston turned and exchanged a look with Uncle Robert. After a moment spent seeking a way to express his outrage, he finally said, “This isn’t turning out quite the way I’d hoped.” ---- Forward to FAN #324: Ghosts Appear and Fade Away. Forward to August 1980: The Packer. Return to For All Nails. Category:Yvette Fanchon